So I’ve been avoiding the buckets of baby things. Jazz brought them home from storage last week and they’ve been sitting on the baby’s dresser in our room. Just….Waiting. I knew once I opened them it would be a floodgate of emotions…all those little things we had prepped for Max. I feel torn between totally getting ready for this new baby and procrastinating anything baby related “just in case.” Four weeks to go, and I am still worrying about just in case.
At some point after Max died and I was still in the hospital, my mom came over and carefully packed everything away. We had a shelf in our room with baskets of baby clothes. She stacked all of that baby laundry neatly in containers. And a little bin of the smallest newborn diapers ever. They’ve just been sitting in storage.
And today when I opened those bins, I took a deep breath and said a little prayer to help me get through those overwhelming feelings.
I started pulling things out and piling them onto my bed and was unprepared for how SAD it is that Max never got to use anything we had for him.
So many tiny clothes. Some from Isabelle, some from Lincoln, some from Max.
The blankie we took to the hospital. A couple of loose pacifiers fell out onto the floor. Those must have been packed in the hospital bag.
Tiny pants with helicopters on them. I forgot about those. I liked them so well I bought them in two sizes.
The blabla doll from my best friends.
The muslin swaddles from my best sisters.
Tiny socks, washed and paired back together.
Little onesies. Sleepers from when Lincoln was a baby. Burpies and blankets that Isabelle helped me sew in anticipation for Maxwell’s arrival.
This is still really hard. REALLY HARD.
I sorted them by color to wash them all fresh and happy. And then I got the two bags out of the my closet that had all the things I’ve been collecting for this new baby. Little moccasins, a crocheted blanket from a thoughtful friend, hats- so many hats- I didn’t have enough hats for Lincoln and I may have gone slightly overboard in the hat department.
My bed was a mountain of grey and white stripes, navy blue… softie blankets and hand me down gowns. I feel so thankful that I am unpacking these things, I’m so thankful we are having a baby, another boy, I’m so happy we can use these things. I feel like part of my heart will start to mend a little more when I can bring this baby home. I keep picturing how that will feel to get him here safe and sound and I can hardly imagine it without joyful tears. Like, am I just going to cry for a year straight? Is that reasonable?
The last load of little baby things is in the dryer now. Everything is folded and fluffed and smells fresh. I can’t imagine this baby will fit into newborn sizes? Can’t possibly be that small? Isabelle and Linc were seven pounds though, and wore the nb size for awhile… Max was nine pounds even… I’m assuming this baby will skip that skinny size and go right to chub. I’m totally good with that.
We are counting down weeks to days. Pretty soon I’ll get that same bag down from the closet and pack it with tiny baby things to take to the hospital. A blankie, a couple of pacis, a coming home outfit. We can do this.