34 Weeks

slightly blurry but taken by a very willing little six year old

I accidentally started scrolling through the photos on my phone in reverse chronological order the other night- I have like ten thousand pictures from the past two years…. several hundred videos. And I got watching Lincoln- taking wobbly steps, saying words without consonants, chubby face and fluffy hair as a little toddler baby. I cried a little bit for all that time that has zoomed by- how rude of time to be such a thief. And then I cried a little bit for Max and how UNFAIR it seems that I don’t have hundreds of videos of him growing and learning and doing cute things on camera. I have about a minute of his life recorded, just about a minute is all. I’m totally thankful for that minute but I would LOVE minutes on minutes on minutes and thousands of pictures. Max would be 2 1/2 now.. it’s one of my most favorite ages. It gets easier and it also gets harder.

There’s a note on my phone with lists of timed contractions when I was waiting for Max to be born.  A few nights I thought he might be coming earlier than expected! But eventually I would fall asleep and morning would come and I was still pregnant. I can’t bear to delete them. I don’t know why.  And if you scroll way down past the contractions and the list of possible baby names, there is a little paragraph that I wrote and rewrote over again until it was perfect- just a few sentences announcing his birth and short little life. I can’t delete that either. It’s okay.

We are getting closer to the birth of this new baby- we actually picked a day and it’s on the calendar and everything. We had an ultrasound last week and the baby is measuring two and a half weeks bigger, in the 75% percentile. She estimated him at 5.5 pounds already, and predicted he will be over nine pounds. I mean, yikes guys. Yikes. But so excited for a big chubby healthy baby I could just burst into tears at any given time. #hormones. I’m also very nervous… not for the delivery but just for making it through next five weeks. There really is no “safe zone” to me and we seem to be hitting the lottery with weird statistics so let’s just hope for a mellow last month here.

We’ve been waiting a long time to bring a baby home, and I am panicking a little bit the closer we get. Do I even know how to do this anymore? Last time we brought home a newborn was 4 1/2 years ago. I was in my twenties. Now we have all been sleeping through the night for years and years and do I know how to wake up? Will I remember all the stuff that is supposed to go in the diaper bag? Will I be able to pick up and drop off kids at school with a nursing baby? I’ve never done this before, with big kids at home. I know Isabelle will be a lot of help, she is so sweet and excited. She LOVES to feel the baby move and kick and today felt hiccups. Her eyes light up and she says, “I FELT him! I did! He is in there!”

Sometimes I walk by the mirror in my room and I forget that I’m so pregnant!  All the times I’ve walked by that mirror without this massive bump, wondering if I would ever get to do this again. Tonight I walked by and did a “whoa… you are reallllllly pregnant there, Mic.”  And I am! And I’m so thankful. Despite the weight gain and the round puffy face and the heartburn, I am so happy.

Five weeks to go, baby is still unnamed. Next week I’ll go get all the baby clothes out of storage, wash and sort them, maybe get some diapers out. Summer is nearly over, school is starting soon, and I’m sure the next five weeks will fly by. We are so ready for this baby to join us earth side.