hopeful

It’s been kind of quiet over here for awhile. We’ve been busy in our regular routine of school and errands and dinners and baths and bed… the weeks go by quickly. I guess I haven’t written a lot lately, I’ve been preoccupied a little bit because I’m pregnant.

I have mixed feelings about announcing this to the world- I have not put it on facebook or instagram or here until now- only a few close family friends know. I’m to the point where I would tell people anyway if things did not go as well as we hope they go… but I’m hesitant to announce because our kids don’t know yet. I can’t tell Isabelle she is going to be a big sister again, only to have to sit her down later to explain things I don’t even fully understand. Not a ton of people read this blog so I figure this is the safest place to discuss this because OH MAN if this hasn’t been emotionally draining.

I’m 12 weeks. I’m measuring right on track, everything looks good so far. At 8 weeks I had massive bleeding and assumed the worst, only to find we have a resilient baby with a really great heartbeat. I had a hematoma in my uterus, basically a pocket of blood just chilling and since then it has gotten smaller.  My OB is so amazing, has been by my side for two years cheering us on and is so positive about everything. She scans me every week to check on everything, but also for my peace of mind I think. She is so compassionate.

Every test we have done in the past has come back normal, so we don’t have any explanation for our losses. My OB has me on extra folic acid, progesterone, and a baby aspirin everyday just empirically. It feels nice to be doing something proactive, even if it is small, gives me hope that this will be different.

So here we are again. Nearing the end of the first trimester. We’ve lost the last two at 14 weeks, so our first goal is to get past that. My track record after that is 100%! I am hopeful. But also, terrified. I keep waiting for the bad news, for something to go wrong, for the other shoe to drop. There are times when I feel like this is actually going to work, and that we will get to bring home a real live baby in September. And other times I make hypothetical plans in my head “in case” we get bad news. It is exhausting.

I keep going back to my little theme for the year- “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27.  I am doing literally everything I can for this pregnancy. I’m following all of my OB’s instructions, I don’t miss a day of medication, like hey I’m not doing meth or smoking a bunch of cigarettes. It is out of my hands, and that is comforting. We pray daily for this little baby to grow and be healthy and to be able to come home with us.