Friday was Max’s birthday. Jazz took the day off so we could all be together, sometimes it’s hard to know how you are going to feel on a certain day. Anyway. We made it whole year! Happy Birthday to our Max, to his little life. A big day for our entire family!
Trying to plan something so big was giving me major anxiety- it was a massive project that couldn’t be completed in time for his birthday and it was seriously stressing me out. As I was discussing this with my grief counselor I see periodically, she pointed out something so obvious. Nothing I had planned would be “big enough” or “special enough.” I was equating my love for Max with this big project and they were NOT RELATED. She told me to do what felt right for us, and duh, of course. Anxiety gone. We have plenty of time for a project, I just wanted to feel happy on his birthday.
Last year I spent the day before Max’s birth rolling out and making pans of homemade cinnamon rolls, and now they always remind me of that. We took them to the hospital for our doctor and the nursing staff to enjoy on his birthday as a little thank you… so we did the same this year. I made batches and batches of rolls, put a picture and a note about Max on top and we delivered them to the labor and delivery unit. Being back at the hospital was HARD. We parked in the same spot and it was so weird remembering how we felt going in to the hospital last year. So different! Our dear friend Carol was there working and she helped me keep it together. She took us back into the nurses station and all of our favorite nurses from that day were there! We hugged and talked about Max and about our kids starting kindergarten and I felt normal for a few minutes. It was nice to see the people who took care of us and who helped us so much when Max was born, they have a special place in my heart.
At four we met at Maxwell’s park for cupcakes. It was a little windy but not hot, just perfect weather. We sang a quick verse of happy birthday before the kids could grab the treats. We chatted for a few minutes while they kids ran around with frosting on their faces.
We went to my parents’ for pizza and playtime, but about five minutes into dinner Lincoln threw up. Never a dull moment around here.