a little birthday party

I thought long and hard about how we were going to spend April 24th. What to do? I had grand ideas of doing something in his honor, something for the hospital, a program to put in place for newborns or other mothers and fathers who are grieving. We talked about raising money so we could buy hand and foot mold kits to donate to the labor and delivery unit. We talked about a balloon release. We also talked about just staying home and laying in bed with a mountain of chocolate too, though that one was vetoed.

Trying to plan something so big was giving me major anxiety- it was a massive project that couldn’t be completed in time for his birthday and it was seriously stressing me out. As I was discussing this with my grief counselor I see periodically, she pointed out something so obvious. Nothing I had planned would be “big enough” or “special enough.” I was equating my love for Max with this big project and they were NOT RELATED. She told me to do what felt right for us, and duh, of course. Anxiety gone. We have plenty of time for a project, I just wanted to feel happy on his birthday.

Last year I spent the day before Max’s birth rolling out and making pans of homemade cinnamon rolls, and now they always remind me of that. We took them to the hospital for our doctor and the nursing staff to enjoy on his birthday as a little thank you… so we did the same this year. I made batches and batches of rolls, put a picture and a note about Max on top and we delivered them to the labor and delivery unit. Being back at the hospital was HARD. We parked in the same spot and it was so weird remembering how we felt going in to the hospital last year. So different! Our dear friend Carol was there working and she helped me keep it together. She took us back into the nurses station and all of our favorite nurses from that day were there! We hugged and talked about Max and about our kids starting kindergarten and I felt normal for a few minutes. It was nice to see the people who took care of us and who helped us so much when Max was born, they have a special place in my heart.

There were no invitations sent out, no fun banners to make with my cricut. No pinata or party favors. Just a few of my most favorite people, remembering Max. Thank you to all who made the day special and happy. What a year it has been! Someone told me that the hardest year is behind us, and I sure hope that is true.

We went to my parents’ for pizza and playtime, but about five minutes into dinner Lincoln threw up. Never a dull moment around here.