Happy Birthday to Maxwell

Dear Maxwell- on the first anniversary of your birth,

When you were born and wrapped up on my chest, I was holding you with one arm, trying so hard to see you and soak you in for a few minutes. My body was numb and it was so hard to hold you, I stroked your cheek with my thumb. I sang to you one quiet little verse of Happy Birthday, and it was just me and you and that song. If I had known it was the only time I would sing it to you, I would have prepared a big band, an orchestra of instruments to sing you the greatest rendition of Happy Birthday ever heard. But it was just me and you, my voice wavy with emotion, overcome with your perfection.

What was supposed to be a year of “firsts” for you become a year of “firsts” for us. Our first Disney vacation without you. Our first family celebration. Our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. We visit your park on those days, taking little trinkets and hand colored drawings. We visit when we need to feel you close.

This is our last “first”…your first birthday. I wish I was planning a big celebration for you, instead we will eat cupcakes in your honor and write messages for you in balloons. Lincoln asked if there will be a party, and there will be! We will gather round and think of your little life and the big impact you have had on our family, how we will never be the same. This year has been a challenge, a trial in a way I never could have imagined, but I am thankful for it and for you, for the few minutes we were gifted together.

I looked through our pictures of you today. I zoomed in on your hands, your feet, your little wrinkled knees and your pudgy thighs. You look like one of ours, like Iz and Linc, a little blend of the Sumsions and Sorensens.

Ohhh Max. How we miss you. We miss you EVERY day, all day long. I so look forward to the day when I can hold you again, when I can sing you more songs, when I can tell you how much I love you.

Until we meet again my sweet boy-

All my love,

Mama