11 months

Well, today is Tuesday, March 24th. Eleven months. Maxwell’s birthday is coming up quickly. I felt like I had  a lot of time before facing that day but now it seems so close and I’m starting to panic a little bit. A whole year. Yikes.

I’m so emotional about this. Even just deciding what to do for his birthday. If it were up to me I’d invite everyone and have a giant blow out party for my boy- because that’s just how I feel about him. We love parties at my house and we always celebrate each child’s favorite thing at the time. I don’t know what his favorite thing would be, that’s really hard for me. Instead I think we will have some cake and balloons at Maxwell’s Park with our family.

We went and visited his grave this week and put some blush colored flowers near his stone. When I buy a bouquet, half go to Max and half go to me, that’s the deal. I packed snacks and picked up Isabelle from school. I planned to sit for a few minutes and think while the kids ran around- instead almost as soon as we arrived, Isabelle needed to use the bathroom and we had to leave. I put the kids in the car and just took two minutes for myself to miss him, to cry for him, to wonder what he is doing on the other side. To remember his fluffy hair and that soft soft skin on the rolls of his neck. Deep breath, two minutes over, back to my real life.

I did my visiting teaching yesterday. Let me preface this by saying I’m the worst visiting teacher ever and I haven’t done it since we moved here. I mean, I’m the worst. I felt like I should do it this month and so I did, and low and behold the message this month was all about the Christ-like attributes of patience and long suffering. I didn’t do my visiting teaching for the ladies on my list, I think I felt prompted to do it for me. It was like a little nugget of quotes all tied up in a pretty string- just words I needed to hear about being faithful and having patience even when it is hard. This is hard. It is still really, really hard.

Isabelle is having trouble lately, crying when she is overly tired. She says she misses Max, which breaks my heart. Sometimes I wish I would have brought her to the hospital to hold him that day but I have to remember that I was in shock, I could barely deal with anything and we did the best that we could. When she is sad we talk about him and look at his pictures and talk about where he is now. It helps. Lincoln watched the new movie Big Hero 6 with his cousins a few weeks ago (probably not that new.. we’re a bit behind). He was so confused at the end, he said “That not about Baby Max!” Took me a minute to figure out he heard so much about Baymax he thought it was Baby Max. We cleared that up for him though. Robot < Baby Brother. My heart aches for these sweet children that have a brother in heaven.

11 months. The longest and shortest months of my life. We miss you Max!

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