changing bags.

I’m in this weird in between state where I don’t really need a diaper bag anymore.

No diapers.

I usually carry my wallet, phone, a pouch with emergency snacks, wipes (because ALWAYS)… and that’s really it. I usually have a change of clothes for Lincoln in the car in case of accidents. No pacis, no onesies or burpies or obnoxiously colored toys stuffed in the top of my overflowing bag.

At home there are no signs of a baby, except for the framed pictures on my shelves. The crib is in storage. No swing or bouncer or play mat. No high chair, no bibs.

Lincoln is sometimes napping, sometimes not (today he is- yay!) and at night once the kids are down, they sleep through the night. No midnight feedings, no dark diaper changes.

This is nice and at the same time, so sad to me. I never thought I would have this lull in baby years. Never, ever ever. It’s a really odd feeling, but it’s okay. Lincoln and I can leave the house at the drop of a hat. We have flexible schedules, we can skip naps and stay up late if we want to. It’s okay.

Do you guys have the Timehop ap? It shows what you were doing on social media on this day in previous years.. it’s fun. Anyway, this time last year we were in Disneyland, I was largely pregnant, we were trying to think of boy names and prep the house for a new baby. So much can change in a year. SO MUCH.

Ten months has gone by since Maxwell’s birth, and in six weeks it will be April 24th. I’m not sure what to do on his birthday…how do you celebrate both the birth and the death of a child? It already feels so far. I don’t know. This is new. This is all new to me and I’m just doing my best to navigate through it.

I really hope that in a year we will be back to those midnight feedings, stuffed full diaper bags and a basket of teething toys tucked away in the corner of the room. I think it makes me feel better to say this out loud, but I have faith for our family and the future. I have to have faith, or else it is just too sad and consuming, you know?

my main man Jeff.

A collection of silver linings to our baby lull:

I’m not buying or changing diapers! yay! When we go to the park, I can observe from below rather than chase a kid up and down the playground. I fit into my “normal” clothes. Jazz and I get a lot of time together starting at 8 pm. We all eat dinner together every night. I function better during the day when I am not getting up in the middle of the night. I can drink diet pepsi. Also, diet dr pepper. Leaving the house is usually a smooth process with zero packing required. We can make all three hours of church. The kids play well together. (sometimes. also sometimes not.) We can leave the kids with our baby sitter for date nights. My kids can communicate and tell me what they need or want. We are able to attend the temple more frequently. I have lots of one on one time with each of my children. I can use my lovely leather cross body bag and temporarily retire my very sturdy and helpful diaper bag.

Don’t get me wrong, I would trade ALL OF THE THINGS to expand our family, I think you know that. But it certainly helps to be thankful for what I have, instead of pining for things I do not. The grand and the simple.