If you are friends on facebook, you already know, but I thought I would put it here too.
Monday I went in for a regular check up. I was extremely nervous. So nervous that I left the kids with my sister-in-law, even though the appointment was supposed to be short. I won’t share the details, because I don’t think anyone wants to read them, but our baby’s heart had stopped beating in the few days before, measuring about 13.5 weeks.
I don’t even really know what to say. I am so devastated, So discouraged and sad. I have cried so many tears I swear the nurse couldn’t find a vein for an IV. There is no fluid left in my body.
We felt so confident and so safe. 14 weeks! Second trimester! We had seen and heart a heartbeat at every appointment. I had a nuchal translucency scan and that all looked good. There is no reason at this point, they will do genetic testing and we will hear back in a few weeks. Sometimes these things just happen without an explanation. Some people have said, “it’s for the best, if something is wrong better now than later.” I KNOW. But it sure doesn’t make me feel better. We fall in that category of 5% of pregnancies that end in the second trimester. Five percent.
I am exhausted of being sad. I am tired of crying. I am tired of everyone else having babies without me. I feel left behind. Left out. I am angry too. It feels so cruel. Unfair. How is this my life? How am I that person that everyone feels sorry for? I thought I would have a whole gaggle of kids by now and it turns out I am not in control. Sweet, sweet Isabelle asked me why all of our babies have to stay in heaven. Poor kid, I just don’t have a great answer for her.
Now I am home and “resting.” I can’t believe we have to start over again. 14 weeks… we were 1/3 of the way through a full term pregnancy. Now we wait and heal and rest. I’m so tired of being sad I can hardly stand it. I’m DONE doing hard stuff, I just want NICE things and HAPPY days.
I am trying really hard to be positive. Really, really hard. I appreciate all the nice things people have done. Meals and flowers and chocolate. I have nice friends. I know people are praying for us too and that is always comforting, so thank you.
One of my favorite Elder Holland Quotes: “If for awhile the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who have ever lived.”
Yesterday we got in the car to come home and I thought… once again, we are leaving the hospital without a baby. This is hard. I know I can do hard things but good grief, I really don’t want to.