a new year

Well the holidays are over, we made it. Christmas and a trip to Utah, New Years, and now we are home. I wouldn’t say we are ready for it to be January, for school to start again and for my house to resemble some sense of normalcy. Cause right now? Yikes.

This season was hard. I don’t think I was quite myself, I don’t think we celebrated as joyfully as we usually do. Part of me was constantly thinking of Max and how things would be so different if he were here. I’ll probably always think about that, and that’s okay. I cried a lot. I missed him a lot. I’m extremely nervous about this pregnancy.
New Year’s Eve we spent at my mother-in-laws home up in Willard, Utah. There was tons of snow, it was about 5 degrees outside, and Lincoln was very sick. He spent most of the day laying in my lap drinking gatorade and rubbing his face on me. He slept in our bed for a few nights so we could keep an eye on him. As it approached midnight, I laid by my nearly three year old. His face looks so much like the day he was born, just a little bit bigger. Still soft. Still fluffy. I laid there and thought of Maxwell on his birthday, and wished he was curled up next to me as well. 
The clock hit midnight, we heard the fireworks go off in the city, and I cried. Sad to see 2014 go… even though it was the most difficult and heart wrenching year of my life. 2014 brought me Max, brought me those five minutes I got to meet him and hold him and touch his face. I remember not wanting the sun to set on April 24th, so sad that his one birthday was over, night was coming, and my time with him was short. When he was born and I held him, all wrapped up like a burrito, I sang Happy Birthday to him. I nearly didn’t, afraid to be embarrassed in the room full of people, but now I’m so thankful I did. My one song, his one birthday.
Now it is a new year. Never again will it be the year that Max was born. Saying “last year” seems a lot longer than “back in April.” Getting further from him but closer at the same time. For now, we are just trying to “endure it well.”
I didn’t start this post intending to be sad! I promise posts of a happy Christmas and a fun vacation to come. I could never have predicted what 2014 held for us and I sincerely hope 2015 brings us joy and happiness and healing. 

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