|Linc, Kira, Margo, Isabelle, Madilyn, and Bennett. Cousins. The best kind of distraction.|
Yesterday was four weeks since Maxwell changed our lives.
We are starting to get back to “normal” around here, though what is normal anymore? Jazz has been back at work for awhile, Izzie’s in preschool, life sort of goes on. I’ve been at home a lot, in fact today was our first grocery store run in over a month. It feels weird to do every day things when we’ve just been through such a life changing experience. Running into people is sort of awkward, like… do they know? how much do they know? I feel like I need a t-shirt declaring my postpartem-ness. I swear I just had a baby.
Some days are better than others. Some days we are busy and have friends over, people visit. I keep the laundry going and pretty soon it’s bedtime. Some days are more difficult, there are so many small reminders that unexpectedly pop up and bring me to tears. A baby bootie left in my purse. The brown haired newborn in front of me at the store. My body that is sore and continues to heal. A medical bill in the mail. The gravestone to choose and design. How do you even do that? Right now his plot is the saddest little pile of dirt. It about breaks my heart when we visit.
Some days I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep. And I do- when I can, when I need it.
When my mind wanders I find myself thinking about what I would be doing had things been different, if Maxwell was still here.
Thank you for the food you have prepared and brought over. For the cards filled with thoughtful messages. I cried opening all of them, really. I have learned so much from this process, mostly about the kindness of people and how I am seriously lacking in that department. We have been blown away by the outpouring of love and support for our family.
Four weeks down, a lifetime to go.