on being a mother.

I can’t believe how drastically my life has changed in the last three years.

 My life is filled with play doh and baby barf and itsy bitsy spider and bath times. I don’t get out much. I don’t get out really at all. I live in three hour increments, lather, rinse and repeat.

My clothes are stretchy and soft and comfortable. My body is soft too. My hair in a ponytail every other day. Sometimes I forget mascara. I don’t leave home without fruit snacks and wipes in my durable diaper bag. There is a stroller in my trunk, and ten empty water bottles in the back seat of my car. At night, I smell of Johnson’s purple night time lotion. My feet are tired. My eyes are tired. I go to bed early, and I sleep hard. I have dreams about being back home in time for nursing. I have dreams about being in Disneyland with my family. I have dreams about having more babies. I have dreams about the babies I already have.

I do laundry every single day. I have a perpetual lists for items at Costco, Target, and Safeway.

My life isn’t hard- it is work, but it is good kind of work and I love it.

Right now things are especially crazy and I know they won’t always be like this. The first six months after I have a baby are usually a “just get by” period where I can barely stay afloat. I will wear fancy shoes again. I will be able to wear a necklace without it constantly hitting a fuzzy baby head. I will get back to myself. Eventually, I will be able to go anywhere I want and do anything I want to and sometimes that scares me because I am so in love with being a mother and I don’t want this part of my life to go by quickly. My heart aches for those who haven’t experienced what I have experienced.

Last night to celebrate my motherhood, Jazz sent me out for a pedicure. As I was leaving, a small face appeared in the garage door, waving and waving to me. Then the door shut and she darted inside. Then the face appeared again, waving and blowing kisses, then the door shut. The face back again, yelling BYE MOM and waving until the garage door closed to the ground.

I want that to happen every time I leave my house for the rest of my life.