missin max

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look at his perfectly round head and his chubby little legs!

 

I wrote this on my insta 9/5/19:

“This little angel would have gone to kindergarten this year. You’d think by now that the milestones have all come and gone, but they really sneak up on you.  I didn’t get to buy him a backpack and walk him in for his first day, all of our firsts and lasts were packed into a tiny little window that we were gifted.  I always thought I was have a million kids all in a row and people would say my goodness you have your hands full! My hands don’t feel so full these days with everyone in school, my heart hurts imaging the alternative universe where all my babies made it to earth safely. Someday, I tell myself, someday. All will be made right, and for that I work and hope and pray.”

Feeling all the feels lately. Thatch turned three last month. I thought we would have another baby by now. LOL when will I learn that it is NOT in my control? Izzie and Linc are 2 1/2 years apart and I loved their age gap. I was so tired in their newborn years but then they had a built in buddy and it was wonderful. I had another early miscarriage this month, more of a chemical pregnancy since it was right around five weeks. Just enough time for me to make plans and get my hopes up, and then…. over again. I’ve read tons of studies on recurrent miscarriage, which I definitely quality for at this point.. And most of it is like “meh eventually most people carry to term.” It’s really not very helpful to read that, I’d love more of a concrete answer but I’m (stubbornly) learning that it is totally out of my hands. If God has another baby for us, we will have one. More and more though I see what a gift and absolute miracle pregnancy and childbirth really are… what a process. So many things have to go right! Every time!

Anyway, I was missin Max and sometimes just talking about him makes me feel better. I sure wonder what he would look like at age five! Gonna be a great reunion though and all the waiting and being sad will be really worth it.

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