I’m not doing very well blogging these days. I lack motivation really because there isn’t a ton going on? We are in our routine, it’s already the middle of November. Six weeks until we change from 1 pm church to 11 am church and I may be more excited for that than Christmas.
Usually I am just itching to get Christmas out and up in my house. This year I have felt no rush. Maybe because I finally got my bookcases styled like I wanted. Or maybe we just haven’t had as much time as usual. But then Morgan pointed out that hey maybe I haven’t been excited about it because Max isn’t here with us.. and I think maybe that’s true. They say the first year of holidays is the hardest, but I can’t imagine getting out Christmas stockings out for the next twenty years and not being sad that there isn’t one with Maxwell’s name on it. It is just sad. I love the holidays and I know while they will be hard they will also be joyful, and that’s okay. None of our family is coming for Christmas this year (it’s the “off” year) and that is such a bummer. I’m selfish, everyone needs to come all the time, I don’t really want to share.
We got our family pictures back today and they are beautiful- Kara always does such an amazing job, especially considering the behavior of he-who-shall-not-be-named. But there are only four of us. And there should be five. There is an empty space in my arms for a dark haired chubby baby. Last year on our Christmas cards it said “Micci, Jazz, Isabelle, Lincoln and baby #3.” As I scrolled through them I cried just a little at how far we have come this year and all that we have been through. This is hard. It is still hard.
Isabelle cried at kindergarten today. She was really tired, a big weekend and not enough naps, but she cried. She said she missed Baby Max. She has a tender little spirit and my heart aches thinking about the things she would have done with Max. She’s a mama bird, the best helper, such a sweetheart. I’m so sorry that this happened to her too.
Anyway, we did get some Christmas stuff out this weekend and it makes me happy to see it around the house. And I’m sure once I can tear myself away from the taylor swift album, we will be streaming Christmas music around the clock.
“Tears are alright. They are the price we pay for love, care, and compassion in the world. One day God will, in great victory, “wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.” One day our calamities will be overpast.” – Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, For Times of Trouble