I’m in the thick of the mom years. My day begins with Thatcher yelling from his crib “I AWAKE” before the sun is up at 6:30. And it ends with me pulling on my lotion socks and carpel tunnel wrist guards like the absolute princess that I am. I know that this part of my life will be special and tender and I can already feel the years slipping through my fingers. I had a total breakdown a couple months ago when I tried to actually pick up Isabelle. She’s ten, she’s way too big for me to hold like that but I thought- when was the last time I held her? Did I hold her enough? Did I enjoy her small years to the fullest? Did I read her enough books and play dolls and tea parties?
I remember talking to my mom in the hospital room after Max died and I was trying to decide when to have the nurses come and take him from me. And through my sobs I said, “It just doesn’t feel like enough time.” And ever so gently, Mom told me that no matter what, it would never be enough time. She was right.
No matter how much time I spend with these kids, 18 years of time, it won’t be enough. They will grow and move away and my heart will bleed for the years they called to me in the night and asked to be tucked in again.
I was just scrolling though my photos on my phone to upload my favs to the blog and 90% of them are of my kids. Maybe 95%. okay 98%. They make me tired, they make me scream sometimes and I literally kick things when they aren’t looking, sometimes I feel like I am never ever alone. But I’m telling you what, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s so confusing to feel total joy and also total frustration within ten minutes. I love them hard, I love them so hard. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I hope I figure out my purpose once they are all grown.
Anyway, I finished scrolling through my photos and now I have only maybe five or six more posts to get myself caught up.
Spring Break was a little bit of everything: fun activities, kids crying and whining and serving time outs, quiet nap time, playdates, McDonalds, swimming, gorgeous weather, movie nights, early bed times too. Hashtag, balance.