Dear Max, on your third birthday,
Today it has been three years since you were laid on my chest, your chubby body wrapped up, your dark hair poking out of your little newborn hat. You had some good loud cries but you were calm with me. You and I spent five minutes together, I sang to you and told you that I was your mama. I kissed your face and you were gone.
While the nurses took you to the nicu, your heart gave out. It had worked SO hard to grow and make your body so nice and fluffy but it could not compensate any longer. When you died, your heart stopped and your spirit left your body and it was a done deal, there was no reviving you, no in between, no back and forth. A profound little life, a profound death.
In some ways time makes being apart easier, and in other ways it makes it more miserable. Another year closer to seeing you again! But another year passed since I held your little body. It feels like yesterday and also a lifetime ago. Hard to imagine what you would be like at this age! To me, you are eternally a sweet newborn babe until I can get to you again, to hold you and drink in your smell and feel the fuzz on your ears.
Max, you are just as much a part of our family as Isabelle and Linc and now new baby Thatcher. These kids love you and talk about you all the time. Until we meet again sweet baby,
|We took Thatcher with us while the kids were at school and it was great to have a recent happy memory of the hospital.|
|My favorite doctor ever. We popped in with our treats and she is SO busy like literally can’t take new patients and she came out to talk to us for a few minutes. I love her so much!|
|This baby. Healer of hearts.|
|All the kids wrote messages on balloons so the wind could take the messages up to heaven.|
|Linc wrote his name and drew he and Max together.|
|Iz wrote “we all love you I love you the most.”|
|Shark cupcakes. Just because.|
I got in the car to come home and got this message from Sabrina. They were celebrating too. This made me CRY like I love my people so much and I am so thankful that they love Max too. Then when we got home there were flowers, balloons and chocolate on my porch from my friends. We sure felt loved today.
Dr. Kang asked me if it was easier this year to celebrate Maxwell with Thatcher in my arms. Yes and no, I think. Yes, easier, my heart has been healed so much with this happy baby who loves me so much. Last year I was pregnant for Max’s birthday and we were so nervous and now look! Here we are a year later with a seven month old. But also, No, not easier… having Thatcher has reminded me a lot of the things I missed out on with Max. I feel totally gypped. (That’s the right spelling I looked it up.) And looking at Max’s birth pictures I can’t help but see Thatcher too and feel sad for all of this time I’ve had with my other babies but not with Max. I nursed Thatcher to sleep tonight for the millionth time and I never got to do that with Maxwell. So yeah, better and worse. I cried a lot. I always do, my face is fat and my eyes are swollen and I’m so looking forward to resting my brain and my heart and my body. It feels good to celebrate his life, even if it’s sad and hard, I love him so much and I would give him life over and over again for those five minutes. Totally worth it.