not so routine.

I had a dentist appointment this week. Normal, routine cleaning.

At the front desk, they had me initial my file for any update in personal information… and there on the front of my chart was 9 MONTHS PREG WITH #3, A BOY. I forgot the last time I had my teeth cleaned, it was a few weeks before I delivered.

I knew what was coming before she said anything.

“So how’s that baby doing!?”

“Ummm. Actually, he died.”

I got through it without tears, and that is a big accomplishment for me. Leigh asked me how I get through awkward conversations like that, and mostly I just hold my breath until I can cry later. I always want to talk about maxwell though, I am desperate for you to ask me about him. I don’t mind crying.

I’ve been so sad about losing my pregnancy that my grief for Max has been on hold a little bit. Grief on top of grief, I guess. I got out our Valentine’s decorations for our home and found the silhouette frames I made last year. They have been up for a few weeks now and today I just couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to paint another frame for Max. Four frames on my shelf just isn’t right.

They call them triggers- things that randomly come up in your day to day life that suddenly remind you of your loss. I’ll be going along just fine and something pops up and I’m a crumbling mess again. This is how it goes.

Being sad makes me tired.

And sometimes there is not enough chocolate in the world to make me feel better.

dallas clayton

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