Dear Girl at the Gym,
Congratulations. We are all very impressed that you can last 45 minutes on the stair climber. That is one tough machine. Those little stairs revolve and come around over and over- they just don’t quit. I know because I have tried that machine a few times. Usually I last for a few minutes until I fall off the back in a heap of exhausted wind and sweat.
But not you. Oh no, not you. You can climb on and on and on and on. You can climb every other step and easily work your hamstrings. You turn from side to side . You can even twist around and FACE BACKWARDS and climb the steps the wrong way. Naturally, this is very good practice for when there is a fire and you must flee the building by climbing up 37 flights of stairs facing the wrong direction. Kudos.
I also want to commend you on your outfit choice. That hot pink Adidas sports bra is so trendy and looks so supportive. (Those are real, right?) Plus it shows just the right amount of skin. Perfect. And who needs a shirt when you are so incredibly tiny? Those skin tight spandex shorts– did you take those from my freshman year volleyball uniform? Because I seem to be missing those!
Well, keep up the good work. I can’t wait to see you at my next workout. I’m the one in the back- in the red cut-off capri pants and sweaty grey t-shirt. I know you will see me because well, you are facing the wrong way.