counting down

I can count the days on my fingers now. We are really getting close and I am in full on NEST MODE.

PREP FOOD! CLEAN STUFF! ORGANIZE! DO ALL THE THINGS!

In real life I do something small and then I am tired and have to take a break. Regular tasks take me a long time. Even blow drying my hair is a small feat. A big trip to costco last week nearly killed me dead. Putting socks on is just lololol.

I’m feeling like my body is not my own. Having some random contractions, swelling is minimal, I can fit into approximately four of my shirts. I can’t remember what it feels like to not be carrying fifty extra pounds or to have to make a three point turn when flipping over in bed.  Which is weird, because when I’m not pregnant I can’t remember what it feels like to be THIS pregnant. This baby moves a lot, which I’m sure is a tender mercy just for me. A little “hello, hi, I’m still here” is so comforting. This all feels very deja vu, hard to believe we were doing this all with Max a few years ago. We have a scheduled c-section… at the same place… and the same time… in the same OR with many of the same people. Hard not to feel a little anxious.

It’s this weird emotional rollercoaster. I have these moments where I am so happy and excited I just can’t WAIT for this baby to be born! And then those fears creep in, the “what ifs”, and I panic…It helps me to my little motto this year. “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27. This is all out of my hands.

Other stuff I’ve been thinking about: how much cookie butter is considered “too much?” What are we going to name this baby!? What am I forgetting to pack? Newborn diapers or size ones? Where is Bitzer going to go while we are in the hospital? Where is that thing I am looking for that I swear I just saw? Is this my last pregnancy? I wish the cesarean wasn’t so painful. The recovery is just not my favorite. But this time we will have a baby to bring home, and that is just so worth it. I look at my kids- my big independent kids- and can hardly believe they were once so little and helpless. This morning as I was waking up I could hear them out in the family room, moving around and whispering so they didn’t wake us up. Just the best kids ever, we have been so blessed with them. I am most excited to see them meet their little brother. My heart will explode.

People keep asking me if we are ready. How can you ever be truly ready to be responsible for another human, I don’t know. I do know I’ve been pregnant over 100 weeks out of the last three years and by that math, I am ready to not be pregnant. A little bag is packed for the baby. A pile of stuff ready to be packed is set aside for me. I’ve got a short list of last-minute to-do’s to tackle this week- plus Lincoln starts preschool, a few doctors appointments, ballet and piano and regular life stuff. Ten days is going to pass quickly, and then it will be time.